Lately I've been down in the dumps. I tried my hardest to think of something positive, trying to be positive, but nothing seems to work. It's because I'm getting older and I'm doing nothing with my life. I don't have a job, because I always have to watch my brother. My mom might say that I can go out and get job, but my step father works over all the time, so there's no one that can pick him up from school and watch him afterwards. My mom and step dad go to the gym after work, which is around five at night and don't get home until around eight. My whole day is dedicated to my little brother. I just can't pick up and leave to do something without cutting it close to pick him up.
I'll be 24 in May, and I feel like a complete failure. I don't go to school because I get panic/anxiety attacks all the time just being around people. I want to do something with my life but I just don't know what, everything I try or thinking about trying fails miserably. I don't have money, besides the hundred or so dollars I get every two weeks from watching my brother, to go and apply for online schooling.
The biggest thing I'm afraid of is being alone and dependent on my mom. I know people say, you're young you don't need to be worried about being in a relationship, but I can't stop it from forming in my mind. Who wants to be with some obese girl who does nothing with her life, who haves anxiety/panic attacks from being around people? Who wants to hire someone like that?
I have a little cousin who is going to turn 21 in July and she haves everything together. She's married, a home, her husband haves a job and now she's expecting twins. But what do I have? Nothing, completely nothing. I have no friends, my family pretends to care. It's so hard to try to feel like your meant to do something in the world when you're not doing anything.
There's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking, "Well I can just leave now." Just walk out my house and just walk to no where and be done with it all. My parents may not say it, but I can see it in their eyes on what a complete failure I am. Every time I have my mind set up on something I go " I can't do that, no one's going to pick up my brother."
I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Is it even worth it anymore? Because everything I do it feels like it's not.
I'll be 24 in May, and I feel like a complete failure. I don't go to school because I get panic/anxiety attacks all the time just being around people. I want to do something with my life but I just don't know what, everything I try or thinking about trying fails miserably. I don't have money, besides the hundred or so dollars I get every two weeks from watching my brother, to go and apply for online schooling.
The biggest thing I'm afraid of is being alone and dependent on my mom. I know people say, you're young you don't need to be worried about being in a relationship, but I can't stop it from forming in my mind. Who wants to be with some obese girl who does nothing with her life, who haves anxiety/panic attacks from being around people? Who wants to hire someone like that?
I have a little cousin who is going to turn 21 in July and she haves everything together. She's married, a home, her husband haves a job and now she's expecting twins. But what do I have? Nothing, completely nothing. I have no friends, my family pretends to care. It's so hard to try to feel like your meant to do something in the world when you're not doing anything.
There's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking, "Well I can just leave now." Just walk out my house and just walk to no where and be done with it all. My parents may not say it, but I can see it in their eyes on what a complete failure I am. Every time I have my mind set up on something I go " I can't do that, no one's going to pick up my brother."
I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Is it even worth it anymore? Because everything I do it feels like it's not.